THINGS TO DO AT THE MALL
- Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out
of
the reflecting pond.
- Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask
the
salesperson if they make your butt look big.
- Dial 900 numbers from demonstration
phones in
Radio Shack.
- Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms
and
helpfully volunteer to consume its now
unwanted
contents.
- At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY
SHOELACES! AAAGH!'
- Ask the sales personnel at the music store
whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or
rubles.
- Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that
makes them unsalable.
- Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
- ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell
people that they're 'astronaut food'.
- Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while
reading aloud from 'Dianetics.'
- Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
- Ask a salesman why a particular tv is
labeled black and white and insist that it's a
color set. When he disagrees, give him a
strange
look and say, 'You mean you really can't see
it?'
- Construct a new porch deck in the tool
department of Sears.
- Wear pancake makeup and new clothes
and pose
as a fashion dummy in clothes departments,
occasionally screaming without warning.
- Test mattresses in your pajamas.
- Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full
of eels.
- If you're patient, stare intently into a
surveillance camera for an hour while rocking
from
side to side.
- Sprint up the down escalator.
Make unusual requests at the Piercing
Pagoda.
- Ask a salesperson in the hardware
department
how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
- At the pet store, ask if they have bulk
discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much
meat on them.
- Hula dance by the demonstration air
conditioner.
- Ask for red-tinted lenses at the
optometrist.
- Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume
counter
and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau
de
Swane.
- Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the
candy store, insisting that you lost a contact
lens.
- Ask a saleswoman whether a particular
shade of
panties matches the color of your beard.
- In the changing rooms, announce in a
singsong
voice, 'I see London, I see France...'
- Leave on the plastic string connecting a
new
pair of shoes, and wander around the mall
taking
two-inch steps.
- Play the tuba for change.
- Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can
play
'Jesus Built My Hotrod'.
- Record belches on electronic sampling
keyboards, and perform gastric versions of
Jingle
Bells for admiring onlookers.
- Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which
leading cold remedy will 'give you a really
wicked
buzz'.
- Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports
whether
they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'.
- 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the
fake fireplace display.
- Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand
them out as religious tracts.
- Ask the information desk for a stroller, and
someone to push you around in it.
- Change every tv in the electronics
department
to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant
the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if
anyone tries to switch channels on one of the
sets.
- Hang out in the waterbed section of the
furniture department wearing a Navy uniform.
Occasionally run around in circles yelling
'scratch one flattop!'
- Hand a stack of pants back to the changing
room attendant and scornfully announce that
none
of them are 'leakproof'.
- 'Play' the demo modes of video games at
the
arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
- Stand transfixed in front of a mirror
bobbing
your head up and down.
- Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar
bills to provoke arguments over whether
they're
real.
- If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit
on *your* lap.
- Answer any unattended service phones
that ring
in department stores and say 'Domino's.'
- Try on flea collars at the pet store while
occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
- At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your
back permed.
- Show people your driver's license and
demand
to know 'whether they've seen this man.'
- Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store.
Return
fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth,
and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue
yet.
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